Can People Change?
The question, “can people change?” cuts to the core of modern leadership. If the answer is yes, then we are led to invest in people through development, training, teaching, etc. If the answer is no, then we have to focus on understanding who a person is and then situating them in a place that best fits who they are, end of story. So what’s the answer? Well, I think we all know the answer at a core level, and it sounds something like this. People are generally stable in how they think and behave, so don’t tend to change much, but the possibility exists. So what creates the possibility? Oftentimes it is a life circumstance that shakes their current belief system to the core. It can be something abrupt, like a fatal disease or loss of a loved one. Or it can be gradual, like realizing your life is stagnating because of always doing things the same way, or listening to an influencer with a different perspective over a long period. All of these can create an openness to change, and maybe even a brief period of actual change. But then people usually recalibrate back to their old way of being. Lasting change is different. It starts with the circumstance that creates openness, but then a person has to do the hard work of new behaviors, even when they are uncomfortable, until those behaviors create a feedback loop to their belief system that says this makes sense and works. Then and only then will a person embrace the change.
But you don’t have to change a belief to change behavior. Sometimes the work that needs to be done is finding a more helpful behavior that affirms the current belief. Like a husband I recently worked with. A few years back, he and his wife made a financial plan that required some short-term (5 years or so) sacrifices for long-term gains. In the years that followed, they had a few kids, and now the needs of the family have changed. The wife is feeling not heard in her changing needs, even though the husband is staying true to the original plan. Once the husband realized that his ultimate goal is to take care of his family, he was more able to consider new behaviors of stability, which meant making less money, versus the sacrifice of being gone so much. His behaviors changed because the circumstances changed, but his fundamental belief in taking care of his family remained the same. He is still working through it, though, because such a drastic change of thinking takes time to become comfortable with.
Like leaven in bread or an investment that starts small until it becomes a large part of a portfolio, true change takes time to integrate into our natural way of being. And we have to put in the work of doing uncomfortable things long enough for that change to take place. So, can a person change? Yes, with a lot of intentional effort. What does it take? First, it takes a reason that creates an openness to change. And second, the hard work of doing something new over a long period of time until there is a firm connection between the new behaviors and the person’s beliefs.
But you don’t have to change a belief to change behavior. Sometimes the work that needs to be done is finding a more helpful behavior that affirms the current belief. Like a husband I recently worked with. A few years back, he and his wife made a financial plan that required some short-term (5 years or so) sacrifices for long-term gains. In the years that followed, they had a few kids, and now the needs of the family have changed. The wife is feeling not heard in her changing needs, even though the husband is staying true to the original plan. Once the husband realized that his ultimate goal is to take care of his family, he was more able to consider new behaviors of stability, which meant making less money, versus the sacrifice of being gone so much. His behaviors changed because the circumstances changed, but his fundamental belief in taking care of his family remained the same. He is still working through it, though, because such a drastic change of thinking takes time to become comfortable with.
Like leaven in bread or an investment that starts small until it becomes a large part of a portfolio, true change takes time to integrate into our natural way of being. And we have to put in the work of doing uncomfortable things long enough for that change to take place. So, can a person change? Yes, with a lot of intentional effort. What does it take? First, it takes a reason that creates an openness to change. And second, the hard work of doing something new over a long period of time until there is a firm connection between the new behaviors and the person’s beliefs.