For something to transform, it must be put under pressure.  A common way of applying pressure is heat.

Carbon becomes diamond.
Ice melts into water.
Wood burns to ash.
Food fuels energy.
Winter gives way to summer.
The examples are endless.

It’s no different for you.  Lasting change requires pressure.  But even more importantly, it requires the pressure to persist long enough to create the change.  This is a fundamental reason why people fail to transform into more capable people.  We crave resolution, answers, and comfort - all forces that remove the pressure before the transformation takes place.

Do you have a nagging problem causing tension in your life?  Of course you do, we all do.  Instead of rushing to “fix” the problem, turn up the heat.

Instead of asking AI how to deal with a difficult person, take some time to emotionally live in the consequences of what not dealing with them means.  Feel the resentment build, the relationships erode, the quiet erosion of your peace.

Instead of looking for life hacks to break a bad habit, put your mind in the reality of what your life will look like in 5 years if the habit persists.  See your health decline, the missed opportunities, the version of yourself you swore you’d never become.

And then, after you turn up the heat, and here is the most important part, don’t relieve it.  Live under the pressure.  Immerse yourself in that imagined future where the problem never resolves—feel the emotion of it fully, day after day.

Sound painful?  Sound exhausting?  That’s because it is.  This is why most people don’t make large, mature, transformations.  We avoid pain and crave comfort.  Comfort is nice, but comfort doesn’t cause development.

The real goal isn’t to “solve” the problem.  It’s to let the pressure of the problem reshape who you are in the middle of the difficulty.  Let me say that more plainly:

The goal isn’t fixing the issue—it’s using the pressure of the issue to become more capable, more confident, more stable -- more of who you want to be.

When that internal change happens, handling the issue starts to feel organic. That’s when you finally act: have the hard conversation, endure the withdrawal from the habit—not because you “have to,” but because that’s simply who you’ve become.

Or… you can just stay comfortable.

The question, “can people change?” cuts to the core of modern leadership.  If the answer is yes, then we are led to invest in people through development, training, teaching, etc.  If the answer is no, then we have to focus on understanding who a person is and then situating them in a place that best fits who they are, end of story.  So what’s the answer?  Well, I think we all know the answer at a core level, and it sounds something like this.  People are generally stable in how they think and behave, so don’t tend to change much, but the possibility exists.  So what creates the possibility?  Oftentimes it is a life circumstance that shakes their current belief system to the core.  It can be something abrupt, like a fatal disease or loss of a loved one.  Or it can be gradual, like realizing your life is stagnating because of always doing things the same way, or listening to an influencer with a different perspective over a long period.  All of these can create an openness to change, and maybe even a brief period of actual change.  But then people usually recalibrate back to their old way of being.  Lasting change is different.  It starts with the circumstance that creates openness, but then a person has to do the hard work of new behaviors, even when they are uncomfortable, until those behaviors create a feedback loop to their belief system that says this makes sense and works.  Then and only then will a person embrace the change.

But you don’t have to change a belief to change behavior.  Sometimes the work that needs to be done is finding a more helpful behavior that affirms the current belief.  Like a husband I recently worked with.  A few years back, he and his wife made a financial plan that required some short-term (5 years or so) sacrifices for long-term gains.  In the years that followed, they had a few kids, and now the needs of the family have changed.  The wife is feeling not heard in her changing needs, even though the husband is staying true to the original plan.  Once the husband realized that his ultimate goal is to take care of his family, he was more able to consider new behaviors of stability, which meant making less money, versus the sacrifice of being gone so much.  His behaviors changed because the circumstances changed, but his fundamental belief in taking care of his family remained the same.  He is still working through it, though, because such a drastic change of thinking takes time to become comfortable with.

Like leaven in bread or an investment that starts small until it becomes a large part of a portfolio, true change takes time to integrate into our natural way of being.  And we have to put in the work of doing uncomfortable things long enough for that change to take place.  So, can a person change?  Yes, with a lot of intentional effort.  What does it take?  First, it takes a reason that creates an openness to change.  And second, the hard work of doing something new over a long period of time until there is a firm connection between the new behaviors and the person’s beliefs.

Information is just that, information.  But often times we confuse information with ability.  This is really easy to see in our day of “how to” YouTube videos.  How many times have I watched a 10-minute video to replace a part in my vehicle that is estimated to take 1-hour and cost $50, only to end up spending two days, $150, and still end up taking it to a mechanic?  Why?  We convince ourselves that information equals ability.  This is especially true with personal development.  I will spend three hours walking a team of people through communication exercises that open up honesty, reveal blind-spots, and enhance understanding by fundamentally showing people areas that they need to develop. What happens next is that no one does further personal coaching because they already have awareness, and to them awareness is all they need.

That is a misconception.  Take, for example, an overly assertive person.  Being aware that assertiveness might cause some people to shut down and be less effective doesn’t automatically stop an assertive person from being assertive.  That is because they still need to be assertive at times.  Also, being assertive is the comfortable choice for an assertive person, and we often choose what is comfortable to us.  If they want to develop, they have to have a process that causes them to continuously analyze when assertiveness is healthy and when it is not, and practice new behaviors that will be a more constructive replacement for the less helpful behaviors.  And they have to practice those new behaviors until they become comfortable with them.  This requires getting over mental blocks, limiting assumptions, and the need for control.  This is why personal development is some of the hardest work a person can do.

Ask anyone who has shown real change, and you will find that having the right information was only the beginning.  And the information probably over-simplified the problem.  Their change required hard work, constant attention and outside accountability.  Change is possible, but you have to be wiling to go much deeper than information.  It requires hard work and deeper understanding of what that work looks like.

Personal, daily freedom is not generally experienced.  I’m not talking about the freedoms that national values give us.  Or the eternal freedom that religion can offer.  I’m talking about freedom on Monday or Tuesday.  Most people are not experiencing freedom on any particular day of the week because that day feels full of “I have to’s”, and freedom to them should feel full of “I get to’s”.  This is why the proverbial Saturday or the season of retirement has become almost idolized, because they feel like the only times we get to cast off the “I have to’s” of life.  But is that how it should be?  When Jesus said, ‘Cast all your cares on me,’ or Paul said, ‘For freedom we have been set free,’ were they only talking about Saturdays, retirement, and eternity?  I don’t think so.  The other day, I mentioned to a client that the core of what I do is help people live in freedom.  He paused, thought about it, and said something to the effect that although he had never put it together, that had been what every session over the past couple of years had been about.  Sure, we may have talked about employee management or limiting beliefs, but fundamentally, working with me was about walking in freedom.  

So what keeps us from freedom?  Ironically, it’s the decisions that we make to achieve more independence.  Here are just a few examples:

Becoming the boss frees me from being told what to do, but also burdens me with weightier responsibilities.

Taking a car loan frees me from an old beater that might break down, but it binds me to a loan that requires a certain limit on my salary, which might keep me in a job that I hate going to every day.

Keeping a demanding schedule ties my hands from being present with people.

Keeping a free schedule feels unproductive or creates a life driven by the whims of others.

None of these choices is morally wrong or even unhelpful.  Some of them are wise given the right time and circumstance.  The choices are not what fundamentally keep us from freedom.  It’s the lie.  The lie that says do this, buy that, go here, support this, believe that, and you will have the freedom you always wanted.  The truth is that every choice has a cost.  Freedom is about understanding the cost and making the decision with eyes wide open.  So when I have to put in the extra hours to pay for the new vehicle, I don’t say, “I have to work today.”  Rather, I say something to the effect of, “Today I have the choice to work more hours to afford my vehicle, or I can sell my vehicle for something more economical and take the day off, but it’s my choice.”  Freedom is about having the choice.  What keeps us from choice is discontentment.  If I can’t be content with an older vehicle, I will never be free … and the newer vehicle will always control my life.  But if I can be content with an older vehicle and I can also be content with working overtime, then I am truly free to make the decision I want.  I can take the promotion or leave it, fill my days with responsibilities, or take a day off.

Don’t seek freedom.  The world plays that game better than you and will always offer you freedom with one hand while binding your wrists with the other.  Choices motivated by freedom tend to lead to more bondage.  Choices motivated by values and belief systems are the ones that lead to freedom.  But when we don’t choose those, it’s because we don’t know how to be content with the cost of such choices.  What’s the cost of more time with my family, a meaningful career, loyal relationships, being the boss, or just the employee?  Instead of seeking freedom, learn what it means to be content.  When contentment is your passion, freedom becomes your lifestyle.

Nobody likes being put into a box.  In fact, I was so against making people feel that way that for the first few years of my coaching that I refused to use personality assessments.  And then, as I grew as a coach, I learned a few things:

Not all personality assessments are the same.  Most of the more recognized assessments are easily received because they are easily understood.  And that’s because they have a limited number of categories they place people in.  So yes, these can make you feel in a box.  Are they helpful? Certainly, in knowing how you are different than other people in large ways.  But when it comes to personal development, you need a tool that considers the nuance of you, and since you are complex, any tool that tries to understand you is going to be complex as well.  The two assessments I use look at people from a trait perspective, meaning the combinations feel almost endless.  Add to that the fact that you get the opportunity to describe how those traits show up means that your assessment will be as individual as you are.

 Assessments save time and money.  There is nothing that a good assessment shows that a good coach can’t discover over time.  But how much time?  And if the results are the same, why not save that time and speed up the process?  If, in one session, we can discover that you adjust to life’s obstacles quickly and to the outside observer, you seem apathetic and uninterested, we can work on that immediately.  But if it takes multiple conversations of hearing you express to me the different things people say and then me putting them together, progress is going to move much slower.  

Assessments are for you, not about you. Quality assessments won’t claim to solve the puzzle of who you are.  Rather, they compare your answers to a vast sampling of others, providing statistical norms to consider.  In areas where they don’t make sense, you can disregard them and say, “Whatever.” However, in the areas that do make sense, you might learn something valuable about how you present yourself to those around you.  The key is that you determine what is helpful, not the assessment or the coach.

Don’t be afraid of quality personality assessments.  Good doctors, mechanics, and computer technicians all use diagnostic tests.  Like any tool, its purpose is to provide efficiency in the work and helpful information.

Science loves exploring a multi-dimensional perspective.  The idea that different stories are going on in which we can or do exist is an interest in both the non-fiction world of quantum physics and the fictional world of sci-fi stories.  But until multi-dimensional existence is unequivocally proven and manipulated, it has no actual relevance in the average life.  But what if there is relevance?  What if the sci-fi version of multi-dimensional existence is a metaphor, as so many story premises are, of a real phenomenon happening every moment of every day?  There is a way of seeing it like that.  The difference between fiction and nonfiction multi-dimensional perspective is the context that defines the dimensions.  For stories like the Marvel world as in the Avengers movies, the context is a timeline.  Change the timeline and change the dimension.  But in real life, the context is relationships.  Change the relational structure and change the dimension.  

I have multi-dimensional versions of myself.  I am a husband, a father, an employee, a friend, a teacher, and the list can go on.  In every one of those contexts, I am the same person and yet a slightly different version of that person.  How I act toward my wife is not the same way I act toward my boss, my kids, etc.  And yet, the core values that make me who I am are consistent throughout all those versions of myself.  If I know that, I have a huge advantage because I can leverage one version of myself to improve the story in another version.

Say work is constantly miserable, but I have a reasonably good marriage.  I can use my marriage to start brainstorming and seeking another career path.  Or I can use my marriage to highlight some behaviors that cause me trouble that, if highlighted at work, would spiral me in a downward trajectory, but the loving words of my wife provide an opportunity for improvement.  Or maybe I strengthen what is already good about my marriage so that I can suffer the harder story at work for a greater good, like providing for my family.  The point is that different relational contexts in our lives have different stories going on, and by leveraging the most impactful relational contexts, we can reshape the other stories.  But how do we know what is the most impactful contexts?  Like building a house, you look at the order in which things are constructed because the order determines dependency.  Where my lights go depends on the layout of the rooms.  The layout of the rooms depends on the framework.  The framework depends on the size and stability of the concrete.  It’s no different for our relationships.  All we have to do is go back to the beginning and observe the order of creation.

First, there was God’s relationship with Adam.  Then, a marriage was made, and from there, a family, and then interaction with the world outside the family.  Fundamentally, you will always feel unstable in your relationships when your relationship with God is decomposing, broken, or just non-existent.  There is a way to feel whole, when all of your multi-dimensional selves work harmoniously in one powerful story, rather than the fractional, mini-survival stories that tend to be the norm.

Our lives can slowly be brought into a more cohesive synchronicity one dimension at a time.  It takes some strategic focus, a desire to improve, and most importantly the willingness to do the hard work of changing.  Not changing who you are at your core, but rather improving how that core shows up in the many dimensional versions of life.  Develop who you are into who you need to be by developing your relationship contexts, starting with the most fundamental one.

When a person begins to study a new topic, one of the first questions they ask is something like, “What does this mean to me?”  Discovering relatable meaning is paramount to understanding because of how we integrate knowledge.  To know something is to properly situate it in a mental structure of how the world works.  But the way we structure how the world works is not like a textbook, primarily using facts, categories, and definitions.  While all those play a part in understanding, they are all wrapped up in something larger: a story.  Particularly our own story.  To answer the question, “What does this mean to me,” is to find the place where the new knowledge makes sense in the narrative of experiences.  If the placement is not supportive enough or doesn’t seem to fit the surrounding elements, then the new knowledge tends to be lost over time.  Why?  Because understanding is structured in story.  Particularly our own story.

In the modern age most stories are experienced as films.  And looking up the most famous movies of all time I found something fascinating.  All the best stories seem to be echoing a larger story.  Either they are opening you up to a new universe, like sci-fi and fantasy, connecting to a monumental time in history, or creating characters that promise more depth than seen in the original show.  The point is, that we are drawn to the idea that what we are experiencing is just an echo of a larger story, a meta-story.  Why?  Maybe because at some level we understand that’s how life is.

Maybe we structure understanding in narrative because, fundamentally, we are an echo of a larger reality structured in narrative.  And if that is true, then it makes sense that to understand our story better, we must seek out the truth of the larger story and understand it better.  So, how is this related to development?

The better you understand the meta-story, the better you can properly place your story in it.  The better you can properly place your story, the more likely you will live your story well and with greater impact.

There has been a revival of the impact of the Biblical narrative over the last many years and more and more fields of study have realized how influential the Biblical narrative is in their field of study.  Since my focus is on personal development, this has been especially exciting in psychology.  The psychological ramifications of a person as they understand their proper alignment with the world, with God, and even their placement in time and space, are beyond being able to be expressed fully.

Let me just encourage you by saying if you want to pursue deeper development, put your efforts into understanding this story better.  It’s why sequels work (when they do), because they give us a broader view, helping us answer questions that just the one picture could never answer.  There is a wider view of your story with answers to questions beyond what your experiences can deduce.  It’s either true or it’s not.  If it’s not, you are no worse off today than you were yesterday or will be tomorrow.  But if it is, then there are depths to explore and galaxies to discover as you pursue the question, “What does that mean to me?”

Development is movement, but it's different than other kinds of movement.  It’s not about achieving goals, or growing, or improving, although all of those things will happen.  Development is about shape.  It is attention to a context’s shape and then shaping yourself appropriately into that context.  It is relational.  Be it calling, marriage, or leadership; development is a dance where the vision of the context leads you as you add your own pizazz to the steps.  Or in my case, lack of pizazz.

While many programs turn development into a step-by-step color-by-number process, it is really more like impressionist art.  The scenery that needs to be captured is before you, but you get to paint it according to your perspective.

Development is more jazz than classical music and more poetry than a research paper.  No wonder whenever we try to concretize the process, we come up short or eventually break it.  A static process for development works, until it doesn’t.  If there were a one-size-fits-all model for this, surely we would have stumbled upon it by now, but the number of self-help books and consulting firms out there promising to improve you continues to increase.  

I’ve spent 20 years training men and women of all ages from the complicated process of insurance billing to replacing parts on machines.  And the number one ingredient I’ve learned for healthy development?  Attention.

You have to pay attention to the vision and the vision has to be making room for your unique presence.  When attention stops, the relationship starts falling apart, and development ceases.

It’s always complicated, always hard, always challenging, and never boring …  if you’re doing it right.  Why else would we honor a 30 year marriage or a 25 year CEO?  Because the process to get to that point requires constant attention, humility of perspective, and yes, a willingness to develop.

What is development?  It’s change, appropriate for you and appropriate to the context you are in.  It’s an equation that can not be solved with a static algorithm but will, in the process of working on it, produce the math that can send you to the moon.